Phone calls you WANT to get...

I get so sick of answering the phone, and a stupid fax machine is beeping on the other end. So I was thinking (yes, I do that occasionally), what would be some phone calls I'd love to get? Here are a few, chime in with your own ideas of phone bliss (and no, I'm not talking phone sex, unless that's what you want).

1) From a big, NY publisher: "We realize you're swamped and feeling a touch insecure at this moment about submitting your requested work, so we thought we'd take the pressure off you and just offer you the sale. And because we know how you envy publisher Lunch authors that get more than a 'nice deal', you're going to get to list this sale in the 'HOT DAMN, OBSCENE AMOUNT OF MONEY' section."

2) From the dr's office: "I'm sorry, but the lab results are positive for this dangerous, debilitating disease. You're going to have to eat your body weight in chocolate each month to remain healthy and alive."

3)From the telemarketers: "To show our deepest sympathy for interrupting you during Oprah, we're sending you 'Mamma's Little Helper!' absolutely free of charge. He's a Chippendale-esque man, hot, hunky and ready to wash that kitchen floor, and anything else you request!"

4) From the husband: "I realize how WRONG I was about your coffee addiction--I'm giving you an unlimited Dunkin Donuts charge card--drink to your heart's desire!"

5) From SZ the critique partner: "I'd love to have you review more than just the opening of my latest story. I realize you must be sick of looking at the same 300 words. Over, and over, and over..."